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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24750865">i can't read it right (i still need you)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/redexo/pseuds/redexo'>redexo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Red Velvet (K-pop Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Childhood Friends, F/F, Jealousy, Pining</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:14:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,769</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24750865</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/redexo/pseuds/redexo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Joohyun once read that the center of the universe smells like raspberries.</p><p>She finds it fitting that Son Seungwan also smells like raspberries because to her, Seungwan <em>is</em> the center of the universe—beautiful and so very unreachable.</p><p>-</p><p>Or, the growing pains of falling in love with your childhood best friend.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bae Joohyun | Irene/Son Seungwan | Wendy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>250</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. there’s nothing worse than painful love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/forbiddenquill/gifts">forbiddenquill</a>.</li>



    </ul><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>chapter title is from "Lie Again" by SEVENTEEN</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Binary stars are two stars that are gravitationally linked and orbit around each other.</em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Joohyun shivers, burrowing into her sweatshirt as the winter chill nips at her nose. She glances to her right with a frown. “I can’t believe you insisted on coming out here.”</p><p>“It’s tradition,” Seungwan chirps, looking way too happy for someone who’s currently sitting outside in near-freezing temperatures. “We come out here every year.”</p><p>“It’s never been this cold before though,” Joohyun mumbles, rubbing her palms together.</p><p>Seungwan's mouth slants downwards, worry flashing across her face. She begins to stand up. “We can go back if it’s too cold.”</p><p>Joohyun reaches out and grabs Seungwan’s wrist, tugging her gently back to her spot on the ground. “It’s almost midnight anyways.”</p><p>The blinding grin she gets as a response warms Joohyun down to her toes. Seungwan wraps an arm around her and pulls her close. “I can keep you warm.”</p><p>“Cheesy,” Joohyun says with an eye-roll, but she’s smiling too.</p><p>She wonders when this exactly became a tradition, sitting on the hill behind their neighborhood and waiting for midnight to come. They’ve been doing it for as long as Joohyun can remember, dating back to when Seungwan would use Joohyun as an excuse to slip away from the boring New Years parties her family would throw every year to impress the neighbors. And every year since then, without fail, they always end up here, waiting for the countdown to hit zero and the new year to begin.</p><p>This year is no different.</p><p>There’s a loud bang and the sky is lit up in a brilliant flash of color, making Joohyun flinch and bury her face in Seungwan’s shirt. She hates fireworks with a passion—they’re much too loud for her tastes and she’s easily startled by them. Seungwan knows this already, and she shifts until she’s holding Joohyun tightly. Everything fades to the background as Joohyun focuses on the comforting embrace and the familiar scent of raspberries, a soft warmth spreading throughout her body.</p><p>“Happy New Year,” Seungwan says once the fireworks begin to die down, loosening her grip on Joohyun a little.</p><p>“Happy New Year,” Joohyun murmurs, giggling as Seungwan keeps her arms encircled around Joohyun and tips backwards, causing both of them to sprawl across the soft grass. They lay in an ungraceful pile for a few seconds, then Joohyun shoves Seungwan. “You’re crushing my legs.”</p><p>Seungwan laughs and untangles herself from Joohyun, rolling over until they’re side-by-side and facing the sky. It’s filled with countless tiny specks of light, all streaking across the darkness in a way that has both of them staring in awe. </p><p>They’ve done this a million times before, sat in this same exact position countless times, but it never seems to lose its magic. She doesn’t think she’ll ever get tired of watching the stars, and she’ll definitely never get tired of watching them with Seungwan.</p><p>“Got any hopes for this year?”</p><p>Joohyun exhales slowly, tracks the way her breath floats away in the cool air, illuminated by the stars. “A lot.”</p><p>“About college?”</p><p>Joohyun nods, wrinkling her nose in distaste as she’s reminded of the uncertainty that the future holds. “What about you?” she says, trying to change the subject.</p><p>Seungwan hums. “Can we just stay like this for a little longer?”</p><p>Joohyun doesn’t argue, not when she’d love nothing more than to preserve this forever and stay there without any worries or expectations. She reaches down to tangle their fingers together, and the two of them lay under the stars and forget about the reality of the world around them.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>“Where were you guys last night?” Sooyoung says, squinting at the two of them. “You weren’t here for the countdown.”</p><p>“I’m surprised you noticed, considering you had your tongue shoved down Sungjae’s throat,” Joohyun says, unimpressed.</p><p>Sooyoung shrugs, not apologetic in the slightest. “I’m a good multitasker.”</p><p>“It was past their bedtime,” Yerim chimes in. “Old people need their beauty sleep, right?”</p><p>“I’m only two years older than you,” Joohyun deadpans. </p><p>“Practically ancient.” Yerim tries to sneak a piece of bacon away and gets scolded by Seungwan. </p><p>Joohyun takes the spatula from Seungwan and waves it at Yerim threateningly, but Seungwan steps in before she can try and commit a murder with a kitchen tool, giving Joohyun a warning look. “Yerim, where’s Seulgi?”</p><p>“Still in bed. I bet she’ll get up once she smells the bacon though.”</p><p>On cue, footsteps sound down the steps and Seulgi emerges, her hair a crazy nest of tangles and her shirt on inside-out. “Food?” she mumbles, cracking one eye open and peeking over Seungwan’s shoulder. She brightens at the sight of the bacon on the plate and reaches to grab a plate, but Seungwan slaps her hand away before she can.</p><p>“The eggs are almost done,” Seungwan says. Seulgi just turns her best puppy-eyes on Seungwan, and Seungwan lasts a whole three seconds before sighing. “You can have <em> one.” </em></p><p>“Hey!” Yerim whines. “You didn’t let me have one!”</p><p>“Because Seulgi’s not a little <em> demon</em>—”</p><p>“Unnie,” Yerim says, turning to Seungwan and ignoring Joohyun pointedly. “Please?”</p><p>Seungwan hangs her head in defeat. “Fine.”</p><p>Yerim cheers and swipes a piece from the plate. Joohyun snorts in amusement. “You’re too nice.”</p><p>“As if you don’t treat Yerim to ice cream every time she does well on a hard test.”</p><p>Joohyun’s face heats up, and she pokes Seungwan in the side to make her stop talking.</p><p>“Whipped,” Sooyoung mumbles.</p><p>“Shut up and eat your eggs,” Joohyun responds, setting the food on the table and shooting a warning glare in Sooyoung’s direction. </p><p>They sit down together and stuff their faces with the food Seungwan so lovingly made. And though Joohyun will deny it till the day she dies, the sight of everyone around the table brings a tiny smile to her face. </p><p>Seungwan notices, and she knocks their knees together under the table with a large grin of her own. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>The peace from winter break doesn’t last long.</p><p>“Seungwan, do you wanna go out this Saturday?”</p><p>Joohyun’s head snaps up to find Park Chanyeol standing in front of their table in all his freakishly tall, handsome glory. Everyone else at the table goes silent instantly, and Joohyun sees Yerim’s jaw actually drop from the corner of her eye.</p><p>Everything else around Joohyun fades into nothing once she registers what Chanyeol just asked, and she glances at Seungwan. Her heartbeat races in her chest, deafeningly loud and near painful.</p><p>Seungwan looks up in surprise, then points at herself as if to make sure. “Me?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Chanyeol says with a laugh. He looks at her hopefully. “We can go for dinner and that new movie that just came out?”</p><p>A shy smile spreads across Seungwan’s face, and Joohyun’s stomach twists. “I’d really like that.”</p><p>“Great!” Chanyeol rubs the back of his neck in an endearingly awkward way. “I’ll text you the details?”</p><p>Seungwan nods, and Joohyun watches Chanyeol grin at Seungwan (with his one dimple that every girl at their school seemed to love) and walk off to where his group of friends are huddled together, watching Chanyeol indiscreetly. Joohyun tries to refocus on the textbook in front of her. <em> The potential energy is stored as the result of the attraction of the Earth to the object… </em></p><p>“Park Chanyeol?” Sooyoung says, her tone suggestive.</p><p>Seungwan shrugs. “He’s really nice.”</p><p>
  <em> The potential energy is stored as the result of the attraction of the Earth to the object… </em>
</p><p>“Just nice?” Yerim says with a mischievous smirk, draping an arm around Seungwan’s shoulders. “Is that why you’re going on a date with him this weekend?”</p><p>
  <em> The potential energy is stored as the result of the attraction of the Earth to the object… </em>
</p><p>Seungwan shoves Yerim off her, a light blush settling on her cheeks.</p><p><em> The potential energy...goddamnit. </em>Joohyun sighs and closes the textbook, knowing she won’t be able to get any reading done at this point. She rubs the bridge of her nose, wondering if she has any painkillers for the headache that suddenly appeared a few minutes ago.</p><p>Seungwan notices her discomfort—she always does. She turns to Joohyun, her eyes soft and concerned. “You okay?”</p><p>Joohyun nods and avoids Seungwan’s gaze. “Just tired. I stayed up studying.”</p><p>“Me too,” Yerim pipes up with a scowl. “I had a calc test today, and it was ass.”</p><p>While Yerim begins complaining about the ridiculousness of derivatives and limits, Seungwan reaches under the table to grab Joohyun’s hand. Joohyun jerks in surprise, but Seungwan only smiles, already used to her jumpiness.</p><p>(Of course, she doesn’t know the <em> real </em> reason for Joohyun’s jumpiness.)</p><p>“You sure you’re okay?” Seungwan murmurs, and Joohyun should’ve known she couldn’t fool her that easily. Seungwan’s always been eerily perceptible to how others feel—it’s what makes her so loved by everyone—and she’s especially in-tune with Joohyun, considering they’ve been best friends for what seems like an entire lifetime.</p><p>“Yeah, don’t worry,” Joohyun says. She squeezes Seungwan’s hand lightly and ignores how her own chest tightens with the movement. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>Saturday comes much too quickly for Joohyun’s comfort. </p><p>“I don’t see why you need me here,” Joohyun says as she shifts around on Seungwan’s bed to get comfortable while Seungwan digs through her closet for clothes. She’s trying her best not to dwell on how pitiful this situation is for her.</p><p>“Moral support,” Seungwan replies, her voice muffled. “I’m nervous.”</p><p>Joohyun purses her lips, deciding to push away her personal feelings about the entire situation and making her way towards Seungwan to help her pick out a shirt. “Wear this with your favorite skirt. It’s casual enough for a movie, but he won’t be able to take his eyes off you the entire night.”</p><p>“Doesn’t that ruin the point of a movie?” Seungwan says with a laugh. Joohyun shoves Seungwan towards the bathroom to change before flopping back on Seungwan’s bed.</p><p>A picture on Seungwan’s nightstand catches her eye, and she picks up the frame to observe it more closely. It’s from a long time ago, back from the time they tried baking a cake without parental supervision. Seungwan’s smiling brightly, a gap where her front tooth should be and flour covering her entire front, and Joohyun’s dipping her finger in the chocolate batter, unaware of the camera pointed at her. Joohyun smiles to herself, remembering how they ate so much cake, they nearly threw up that night during their sleepover.</p><p>The bathroom door opens, tearing Joohyun away from her musings. She looks up to see Seungwan, and the weight on her chest is back again. Joohyun smiles, hopes Seungwan doesn’t notice the change in demeanor, and murmurs, “Perfect.”</p><p>“Do I look okay?” Seungwan turns to the mirror to fix her makeup.</p><p>“You look beautiful.” Joohyun pauses. “Chanyeol’s a lucky guy.”</p><p>Seungwan catches her eyes in the mirror and smiles, a soft one that Joohyun can only face for a brief moment before looking away. She busies herself with her phone, scrolling through the nonexistent messages to try and distract herself. After a moment, the bed dips and Seungwan angles her body to face Joohyun. The subtle scent of raspberries fills Joohyun’s nose, making her stomach drop a bit. “Thanks for coming tonight. You being here really helped me a lot.”</p><p>“What are friends for?“</p><p>“<em>Best </em> friends.” Seungwan fixes her with a faux stern look. “We made a pact, remember?”</p><p>Joohyun rolls her eyes and holds up her wrist to show off the blue and purple thread bracelet. “Of course I do. It took me forever to make this bracelet.”</p><p>A knock on the door interrupts whatever Seungwan’s going to say next, and Joohyun instantly knows it’s Chanyeol. He’s probably waiting on the doorstep with a bouquet of flowers in hand because that’s the kind of guy he is. Joohyun clears her throat.</p><p>Seungwan closes her eyes and takes a deep, calming breath, and Joohyun lets herself have this one moment of weakness. Her eyes trace the other girl’s features slowly, committing them to memory. Seungwan looks beautiful—she always does—but this feels different. It feels intimate somehow, and Joohyun almost forgets Seungwan’s going on a date with someone else. </p><p>Then Seungwan’s eyes flutter open, and the moment is over.</p><p>In a split-second decision, she grabs both of Seungwan’s hands and looks her in the eye. “Chanyeol’s gonna love you. Who wouldn’t?” </p><p>She hopes Seungwan doesn’t detect the undertone of honesty in her voice.</p><p>Seungwan smiles, throwing her arms around Joohyun and nearly knocking her down. “I love you,” she mumbles into Joohyun’s shoulder.</p><p>The weight grows heavier, nearly suffocating. Joohyun wraps her arms around Seungwan’s waist. “I love you too.”</p><p>Seungwan is downstairs a minute later, and Joohyun hears Chanyeol say, “You look beautiful” before the front door slams shut, leaving Joohyun alone on Seungwan’s bed. She peeks out the window and watches Chanyeol open the passenger door for Seungwan like a true gentleman.</p><p>She waits until the car is out of the neighborhood before slipping out the front door and making her way to her house, all while typing something out to her friends. She needs a distraction.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck!” Yerim says, tossing her controller away. She glares at Joohyun. “I swear you’re cheating!”</p><p>Seulgi nods in agreement. “How do you not fall off the track at least once?” she mumbles, her tongue poking between her lips as she squints at the TV. </p><p>To prove her point, her avatar flies off the multi-colored road and into the infinite space below. They all burst into laughter at Seulgi’s whine, and Joohyun instinctively glances to her right, expecting to be met with a bright smile and eyes curved into tiny crescents. Her stomach drops when she realizes what she’s doing.</p><p>Against her better judgement, she looks down at her phone. No new messages. It’s been four hours of radio silence, which is a good thing, right? It means Seungwan isn’t on her phone, which means she’s having a fun time with Chanyeol, which means…</p><p>It means Joohyun should be happy for Seungwan.</p><p>Sooyoung groans, distracting Joohyun from her thoughts. “Let’s watch something instead. I’m tired of Yerim whining every time Joohyun beats her.”</p><p>Yerim nails Sooyoung in the face with a gummy worm in retaliation, making Sooyoung stand up from her seat, a pillow clutched in her hand and a murderous look in her eye. Joohyun does her best not to be caught in the crossfire, but Seulgi isn’t so lucky. A poorly-aimed pillow swing of Sooyoung’s knocks Seulgi from the couch, and then it’s a free-for-all.</p><p>Amidst the chaos, Joohyun’s phone begins to ring (with the special ringtone she has saved for Seungwan). No one else seems to notice, and Joohyun ducks under Yerim’s pillow, grabs her phone, and safely retreats to her room, shutting the door and locking it.</p><p>“Hello?” she says, wincing a shriek echoes throughout the house, followed by a loud thump.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Seungwan asks slowly. “Do I need to call the police?”</p><p>“That’s just Yerim.”</p><p>“Is she okay?”</p><p>There’s another thump and a muffled groan. Joohyun rolls her eyes. “She’s getting what she deserves.”</p><p>Seungwan laughs, and it’s only been a few hours since Joohyun last saw her, but the sound makes her realize how much she misses Seungwan. </p><p>“How was your date?” she asks, picking at a stray thread on her blanket to busy herself somehow. She’s not sure she wants to hear the answer, but she supposes it’s out of some sort of masochistic curiosity that she asks anyway.</p><p>“I had a lot of fun,” Seungwan says after a moment, and although Joohyun can’t see her, she knows Seungwan has the biggest smile on her face. “We went to the movies and then he took me to this new ramen place. He paid for me and held open the door and walked me to the doorstep and everything. It was like something straight from the movies.”</p><p>And god, how could she compete with <em> that? </em> Seungwan sounds so smitten already after one simple date.</p><p>There’s some rustling on the other end of the line, probably Seungwan getting comfortable on her bed. “He asked me to go out next Friday.”</p><p>“And?” Joohyun says, already knowing the answer but asking anyway.</p><p>“I said yes.” </p><p>“That’s amazing, Seungwan.” Joohyun manages to sound somewhat excited for Seungwan like a best friend should be. </p><p>“So can come over before then and hang out so I don’t spend the entire evening overthinking?”</p><p>Joohyun bites her lip, tries to focus on the sting of pain. It doesn’t help. “I guess I can clear my schedule.”</p><p>Seungwan laughs. “As if you had other plans to cancel on. We always hang out on Fridays.”</p><p><em> I know, </em>Joohyun doesn’t say. She huffs indignantly instead. “I’m gonna make plans just to prove you wrong.”</p><p>“You’re gonna leave me for someone else? And here I thought our wedding vows meant more to you.”</p><p>“We were <em> six, </em> and you made me marry you because Mark Tuan was worried about cooties.”</p><p>“Till death do us,” Seungwan continues, ignoring Joohyun’s protests. “You can’t get away that easily.”</p><p>She scoffs, mumbles, “You have no idea.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Nothing.” Joohyun sighs and stares at the glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to the ceiling, wondering just how pathetic she can get. “Anyways, I should probably go before Sooyoung and Yerim murder each other.”</p><p>There’s more muffled laughter on Seungwan’s end. “Have fun with that. I’ll see you tomorrow?”</p><p>“Of course. Good night, Seungwannie.”</p><p>Joohyun’s left holding the phone to her ear long after the line goes dead and the familiar weight on her chest.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>On their second date, Chanyeol takes Seungwan downtown with all the Christmas lights still up and soft snow blanketing everything. It’s something straight out of one of those dumb cliche Christmas movies Seungwan and Yerim love to watch.</p><p>The third, they go ice skating. Seungwan gushes about how adorably cute Chanyeol was because he could barely ice skate. Joohyun wonders if his long limbs made him look like a baby giraffe or something equally as awkward, and the thought is somewhat comforting to her. </p><p>The fourth is the arcade. </p><p>The fifth, a fancy dinner. </p><p>It begins to blur together after that. The only constants for Joohyun are sitting on Seungwan’s bed to help Seungwan get ready before the date, and listening to Seungwan over the phone the minute Chanyeol drops her off at the doorstep after.</p><p>She’s there for every one, trying to fill the role of the best friend like she should and ignoring the burning jealousy that never quite disappears.</p><p>Somewhere between the many dates, Seungwan and Chanyeol start <em> dating. </em> It’s not really a surprise when Seungwan tells her over the phone, but it’s still a punch in the gut. She congratulates Seungwan while the glow-in-the-dark stars in her vision blur together.</p><p>Some days, it’s more of a dull ache and easier to ignore. Others days, it’s fiery and all-consuming, to the point of being painful. It never goes away though, and that scares Joohyun.</p><p>It hurts, but she knows she’ll manage. She got through it the other times, and she’ll get through this.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>The letter comes in February.</p><p>It’s sitting in her mailbox innocently, and Joohyun recognizes the familiar cardinal red instantly because she’s spent so much time staring at their website. She grabs the letter and books it towards her house, forgetting the other mail. She’ll probably be scolded for it later, but that’s the last thing on her mind right now.</p><p>She doesn’t waste a second once she’s in her room. She tears open the letter without hesitating and skims over the words.</p><p><em> Dear Joohyun, </em> <em><br/></em> <em> Congratulations! I am pleased to inform you of your admission for the fall semester of… </em></p><p>She stops reading. </p><p>She got accepted.</p><p>Instinctively, she reaches for the phone and presses 1. It begins to dial, and she taps on her desk with her free hand, reading the letter more slowly now.</p><p>
  <em> “We’re sorry. The number you have tried to reach is unavailable now. Please leave a message and try again.” </em>
</p><p>Right, she forgot Seungwan’s on a date right now—meeting Chanyeol’s parents, to be more exact. The thought makes her mood plummet, and she hangs up quickly without leaving a message. </p><p>She can just tell Seungwan later. Preferably not when she’s busy meeting her boyfriend’s parents, which, for Joohyun’s sanity, is probably for the best.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>“His parents are intimidating, but I think they liked me?”</p><p>Joohyun scoffs. “Of course they liked you. All parents do.” Seungwan has a strange way of wrapping parents around her finger in a scarily short amount of time.</p><p>“I hope so.”</p><p>Joohyun wonders how someone could <em> not </em> like Seungwan. She’s the human embodiment of the sun, if there’s such a thing, attracting endless amounts of people with her warm, bright personality, Joohyun included. </p><p>“Oh, I saw you called me earlier. What for?”</p><p>Joohyun freezes up and glances at the letter on her desk. She should probably tell Seungwan, but she knows what it means if she does. The university is far. She’ll be lucky to see Seungwan more than once a year, and that’s not counting in when Seungwan leaves for college as well. The selfish part of Joohyun wants to keep up this pretense of being fine, like she won’t be practically flying across the country in less than half a year. “It’s nothing. I meant to call Seulgi and accidentally pressed your name.”</p><p>“You didn’t wanna talk to me? I’m hurt.”</p><p>Joohyun can hear Seungwan’s pout and rolls her eyes. “I always want to talk to you.” </p><p>But there’s a difference between wanting to talk and actually being able to, isn't there.</p><p>“Good, because I wanna talk to you too.”</p><p>Joohyun smiles to herself while listening to Seungwan laugh into the receiver. “So tell me more about the dinner. Was the food any good?”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>Seungwan’s birthday is only a few weeks later. Joohyun’s parents are out of town for the weekend, so naturally, her house is where they all gather to celebrate. Seulgi brings the cake, Sooyoung brings the alcohol, and Yerim claims gracing everyone with her presence is enough. </p><p>They wind up watching a drama that Sooyoung insists on and playing a drinking game Yerim found online. By the time midnight strikes, nearly everyone is dead asleep. Seulgi passes out first, unsurprising considering she’s always been a lightweight. Yerim falls asleep next, her head propped against Seulgi’s body as she snores. Sooyoung follows not long after, and she’s smart enough to climb on the couch before falling asleep. At this point, nothing short of an earthquake will wake the three of them.</p><p>Joohyun’s about to nod off as well—she’s definitely feeling the effects of the alcohol—but as soon as her eyelids fall shut, someone shakes her shoulder. She cracks an eye open to see Seungwan standing over her.</p><p>“Hill?” she whispers, and although Joohyun feels like she could pass out any second now, she nods. She can never deny Seungwan anything.</p><p>They move past the many trees with practiced ease, and it doesn’t take long until they reach the top. They make themselves comfortable on the grass and take in the calm of the night, relishing in it all.</p><p>“You’re the same age as me now,” Joohyun says, her eyes widening at the revelation.</p><p>“You say this every year.”</p><p>“I do?”</p><p>Seungwan snorts, raising her eyebrow at Joohyun. “How much did you even drink? You tapped out of the game after like, one episode.”</p><p>“That drama was ridiculously cliche and we took at least three shots of soju while I was playing!”</p><p>“I just think it’s cute how we have this conversation every year when my birthday comes around.”</p><p>Joohyun stills. “We’re the same age, but we’ll be in completely different places soon.”</p><p>“We’re the same age for <em> one month</em>,” Seungwan says. She juts her lower lip out in an exaggerated pout. “And are you trying to rub in my face how you’ll be moving onto bigger and better things next school year while I’m still stuck here?”</p><p>Joohyun knows it’s a joke, but something about it rubs at her in the wrong way. “Bigger and better?”</p><p>“Isn’t that how everyone describes college?”</p><p>“Not me,” she mumbles, ripping a blade of grass into shreds. “Not when you’re leaving everyone behind.”</p><p>“It’s not forever.”</p><p>“Sometimes it is.” Joohyun holds up a hand to stop Seungwan from interrupting. “You go to college, but what do you do after that? You pursue a career, or you buy your own place, or you get married. You don’t come back here.”</p><p>“It shouldn’t have to be one or the other, and you shouldn’t have to choose.”</p><p>Joohyun swallows thickly. “I got in," she whispers, completely changing the subject.</p><p>Seungwan’s eyebrows knit together in confusion as she tries to decipher the vague statement. “What?”</p><p>“I got into Stanford.”</p><p>She hears Seungwan suck in a deep breath. “Stanford? That’s—”</p><p>“—across the country,” Joohyun says, the reality of the situation finally hitting her. She’s leaving this town, leaving everyone and everything, leaving <em> Seungwan. </em> </p><p>“I was gonna say that’s amazing,” Seungwan says. Then, in a much smaller voice, she says, “And really far.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“California is definitely bigger and better.”</p><p>“It’s nothing if it doesn’t have you.” It’s the liquid courage flowing through her veins that let her say that because sober Joohyun would be terrified. But tipsy Joohyun can’t find it in herself to care how dangerously close to the truth her statement was.</p><p>“Good one,” Seungwan says with a laugh.</p><p>Joohyun doesn’t laugh with her. “I’m serious.”</p><p>Seungwan knocks their shoulders together. “You can live without seeing me every day. Besides, I’ll only be a phone call away.”</p><p>Joohyun chews on her lip, decides to be recklessly bold again. “I don’t want just that.”</p><p>“FaceTime sessions too,” Seungwan says with a playful glint in her eye, clearly thinking she’s being clever. </p><p>It’s a mix of things—the alcohol she drank earlier; the realization that she’s leaving; the way the moonlight washes over Seungwan in a way that makes Joohyun’s chest physically <em> ache</em>—but the next words slip out without her realizing. “I want more.”</p><p>Seungwan fixes her with an amused look. “There’s only so much we can do when you’re across the country, Hyun.”</p><p>“No, I—” Joohyun cuts off and stares at her hands, her frustration bubbling up inside her because Seungwan just didn’t seem to <em> get it. </em>She never has. “You never realized, did you.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You never realized how much I love you.”</p><p>It goes silent, so silent that you could hear a pin drop. Joohyun’s heartbeat roars in her ears, and she wonders if Seungwan can hear it too. “What?” Seungwan says carefully after a long, tense moment.</p><p>“Sometimes I wonder if you do know and you just ignore it. How could you never know?” The words are flowing now, and the dam that Joohyun so carefully crafted is finally cracking under the pressure of keeping this secret for years. “Or maybe you really are that oblivious, despite being the smartest girl in your grade. Hell, the smartest girl in the entire school.”</p><p>“Joohyun, you had a lot to drink—”</p><p>Joohyun keeps going like she hadn’t even heard Seungwan. “I don’t even know how long I’ve felt this way. Before my freshman year, maybe? God, it feels like I’ve loved you forever.” She looks at Seungwan, her eyes bright. “Remember when you asked me about soulmates all those years ago?”</p><p>“Joohyun—”</p><p>“I still believe in them. And I might not be yours, but I know you’re mine.” Joohyun’s head is spinning, and she feels her chest grow lighter with every word she says, making her near delirious with courage. “From that day I showed up on your doorstep with cupcakes and welcomed you to the neighborhood, I knew.”</p><p>Her chest is heaving by the time she finishes, and she can finally breathe again. She’s grown so used to being weighed down by her secret, she forgot what it was like to live without it.</p><p>It takes a second for her to realize Seungwan hasn’t said anything. It's like someone's splashed a bucket of ice water over Joohyun, sobering her up and freezing her in her spot.</p><p>“Seungwannie,” she mumbles, the previous lightness disappearing and dread filling its place once she realizes what she’s done. “Please say something.”</p><p>“I...I need to go.” Seungwan stands up abruptly and stumbles over her feet. Joohyun reaches out to help, but Seungwan flinches away. “I’m really sorry. I need to go.”</p><p>Joohyun’s hands hover awkwardly in midair and the tightness in her chest is back, a million times more painful than before. “Seungwan, please…”</p><p>“I need to go,” Seungwan repeats, stepping further and further away from Joohyun. After a few more jerky steps, she stops, her back still facing Joohyun. “I need some space, Joohyun. Please.”</p><p>With that, she walks away, leaving the hill and leaving Joohyun with the deafening silence.</p><p>The sight of the stars, for once in her life, don’t comfort her in the slightest.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>“So many bright stars, bright in life, burn out quickly.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> - Jessie Jackson </em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. it feels so scary getting old</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>chapter title is from "Ribs" by Lorde</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>The light from stars takes millions of years to reach Earth, so when you look at the stars, you’re actually looking back in time. </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Space.</p><p>That’s what Seungwan wants, and that’s what Joohyun will give her.</p><p>She’s already ruined her friendship with Seungwan, perhaps to the point of no return. She won’t push anymore. Even if it seemed like Seungwan wasn’t going to end this weird stand-off between them anytime soon, she won’t go to her first. </p><p>She <em> can’t </em> go to her first.</p><p>The teacher drones on and on with a mind-numbingly boring lecture about two electrically charged particles and Coulomb’s Law, and in her effort to stay awake, Joohyun finds herself glancing at the front of the classroom where she knows Seungwan sits. It’s the one class they share together, an hour and a half that Joohyun used to treasure every minute of. </p><p>Now, all she feels is an aching tiredness that grows worse every second she spends in the cramped, overly-hot classroom. She grits her teeth and forces it down. </p><p>The moment the bell rings, Joohyun is out of her seat and making her way towards the door while everyone else begins to pack up. She passes Seungwan on the way there.</p><p>Seungwan doesn’t spare her a glance. Joohyun keeps her head up and continues walking.</p><p>Once she’s in the safety of the hallway and away from Seungwan, she feels the familiar sting in her eyes. She wishes she could go back in time and do something, <em> anything</em>, to stop this. She wishes she didn’t agree to go to the goddamn hill, and she wishes she didn’t drink nearly as much alcohol as she did, and she wishes she didn’t speak the words that were never supposed to be spoken.</p><p>But her wishes stay wishes—something that will never come true—and she’s left behind grasping for a nonexistent future. They’re child’s play, a painfully optimistic way for people to hope.</p><p>They aren’t meant for her.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Look!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The two of them stare at the sky with a wide-eyed wonder as the streak of light shoots through the sky for a brief moment, knocking their breaths away. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You know, we get to make a wish now,” Joohyun murmurs once the light fades away. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Seungwan hums and closes her eyes, and Joohyun mimics the action. Her wish comes to her right away, and once she finishes, she looks over at Seungwan and patiently waits.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Done,” Seungwan announces a moment later. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “What did you wish for?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I can’t say! If you tell someone, that’ll ruin the wish!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Joohyun laughs at Seungwan’s indignant tone. “Okay, fine, you don’t need to tell me. I hope your wish comes true though.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “And I hope yours does too.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Joohyun knows countless people will walk in and out of her life, but she also knows there’s a select few that will be there forever. She only wished for Seungwan to be one of those people.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I’m sure it will,” she says with the unwavering, brazen confidence only a child could have. </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>Getting used to not having Seungwan in her life is hard.</p><p>Seungwan was Joohyun’s <em> person, </em> the one who knows her the best, the one she trusts with everything. She was something essential to Joohyun’s very being, something as natural as breathing. </p><p>Being without her feels wrong, like someone cut off one of her limbs. She can go on without it, but there will always be the sensation that she’s missing something important.</p><p>Joohyun gets used to it though. She’s broken the habit of walking to Seungwan’s locker before school, and she stopped trying to find Seungwan’s eyes across the hallway during passing period, and she doesn’t wait to drive Seungwan home anymore. She stops making Seungwan a part of her daily routine, of her <em> life. </em></p><p>It’s hard, but she manages. She doesn’t really have a choice.</p><p>Her phone buzzes in her hand, and she glances at the teacher to be safe before looking down to read it. </p><p>It’s Yerim, asking everyone if they’re free to come over tonight and binge-watch the rest of the drama they started. Sooyoung and Seulgi immediately reply, the latter with way too many emojis that makes Joohyun frown in confusion. Seungwan doesn’t answer right away, probably too busy being an actual good student and listening to the teacher.</p><p>Joohyun stares down at her phone. She shouldn’t go. If there’s even the slightest chance of Seungwan going, Joohyun can’t go.</p><p>She makes up some lame excuse that sounded better in her head about why she can’t go. They all spam her phone with sad messages and crying faces when she tells them, and she tells herself that this is for the best. </p><p><em> Space, </em> she repeats in her mind like a mantra. She doesn’t want to do anything else she regrets, and minimizing her contact with Seungwan also minimizes the chance of messing up again.</p><p>Seungwan texts a little bit later, saying that she can come. She doesn’t mention anything about Joohyun being unable to go, but that was expected. Joohyun sighs and shuts off her phone. </p><p>She feels tired all the time now, a type of tired that reaches down to her bones. It’s exhausting, but she keeps on going.</p><p>She has to keep going.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “What’s your worst fear?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “That’s a question?” Seungwan cranes her neck and squints at the phone, her amusement clear. “That’s a big jump from my favorite animal.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It was Seungwan’s idea to use this random website full of questions to get closer to one another to celebrate the anniversary of the day they met. She seemed so excited with the idea, and Joohyun couldn’t deny her anything. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “What’s yours?” Seungwan asks. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Joohyun sucks in a deep breath, contemplating on how honest she should be. She could go for an easy answer: clowns, dogs, heights, anything like that. Or she could be serious, say one of her deepest fears and bare part of her soul to Seungwan.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Seungwan already has so many pieces of her soul already. The choice is obvious. “Having regrets. When I’m old, I want to be happy with myself and my choices. I don’t want to regret anything I did or didn’t do.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Seungwan squeezes her fingers, and Joohyun knows she made the right choice. She stays quiet, waiting for Seungwan to answer. She doesn’t want to push. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “My worst fear is being lonely,” Seungwan says after a long moment. She chuckles and shrugs. “It’s dumb and cliche, I know.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “No,” Joohyun interrupts, a wave of protectiveness going through her when she hears the self-deprecation in Seungwan’s voice. “I get it. Being alone is...scary.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> There’s no other way to put it, no poetic spin she feels the need to try and create. They both understand. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Yeah.” Seungwan studies their intertwined fingers with a contemplative expression. “It is.” </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>The worst part is the loneliness.</p><p>She misses Seungwan, misses the way they stayed up till the early hours in the morning talking, misses how they’d share small smiles during class while the teacher wasn’t looking, misses feeling <em> whole. </em></p><p>There’s this phenomenon where people continue to feel sensations in a limb that’s been removed. The brain continues to send signals as if the limb was never gone in the first place—a way to fill the empty space. </p><p>But the only sensation it can register is pain.</p><p>She finds herself looking for Seungwan all the time now. She’ll be typing on her phone about something dumb that happened in class, only to stop herself when she sees the recipient is Seungwan. She’ll have a spoonful of her food ready to share when she realizes Seungwan’s sitting on the opposite end of the table, as far away from Joohyun as she can be. She’ll be halfway to Seungwan’s house before she notices she’s going to the wrong place.</p><p>The little things are where she looks for Seungwan in, and it’s those things that hurt the most.</p><p>She wonders if Seungwan feels the same way, or if she’s able to go on with her life like Joohyun had never been a part of it. In moments like these, when Seungwan’s laughter echoes across the room as she leans into Chanyeol, it certainly feels like it. </p><p>Joohyun stares, her eyes tracing Seungwan’s face. There’s no hint of the weariness that Joohyun can’t seem to get rid of. To anyone else, Seungwan is completely and utterly normal, laughing and brightening the atmosphere around her like she always does.</p><p>Joohyun isn’t so sure though. Surely Seungwan couldn’t be that heartless, could she?</p><p>She should probably feel angry at how normal Seungwan seems when Joohyun feels like someone ran her over with a truck ten times in a row, but she just feels tired.</p><p>She’s so goddamn tired.</p><p>Joohyun looks over, watches Chanyeol drape his jacket around Seungwan’s shoulders, and wonders if Seungwan is happy.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Happy birthday, Seungwan.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Seungwan smiles, a large one that shows off her braces-free teeth. It’s a recent development that she was very proud of. “Thanks for spending it with me.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “There’s one last thing before I have to go home.” Joohyun rummages around in her bag and carefully extracts a plastic container, a single chocolate cupcake in the middle. “It’s not exactly a cake, but—” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “It’s perfect,” Seungwan interrupts, throwing her arms around Joohyun’s neck.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “It’s the least I can do,” Joohyun mumbles, her voice muffled by Seungwan’s shoulder. She tightens her grip around the other girl, not wanting to leave just yet. Seungwan’s house is big and dark and scary...  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “My parents won’t be home for a couple more hours,” Seungwan says, sensing Joohyun’s hesitance. “Some work emergency. You shouldn’t wait up.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Joohyun frowns and doesn’t say anything. Seungwan’s parents were always busy with work things, it seems. But Seungwan absolutely adores her parents, so Joohyun won’t dare breathe a word of her discontent.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Even if she thinks it’s a crime for them to leave Seungwan alone on her birthday, she won’t say anything.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I’ll stay until they get home,” she says. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “But it’s a school night—” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Who cares? Besides, I live across the street. I’m not losing much sleep by staying here.” Joohyun tugs Seungwan back onto the couch and covers the two of them with a blanket. “We can just watch our show till they get here.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> For a while, the only sound was the TV filling up the room, then there was a soft, “Thank you.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Joohyun curls up against Seungwan, and a sense of content fills her all the way to her bones. “Of course, Seungwannie. I’ll always be here for you.” </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>She spends her birthday alone.</p><p>It’s by her choice, of course. Her friends think that she’s spending her birthday with her parents, and her parents are going out of town for the night to give her and her friends some privacy. So here she is, sitting at the kitchen table with a single light on, wondering if she should open the cake her parents left behind for the party they assumed would be happening right now.</p><p>She doesn’t open it. She’s not really in the mood to celebrate anything right now.</p><p>Her phone lights up countless times, mostly from her friends who find it funny to spam her phone with hundreds of emojis, pictures, and words. Joohyun smiles to herself despite everything and sends a thank you in the groupchat.</p><p>There’s a single text message from Seungwan, a simple one that reads: <em> happy birthday, joohyun. i hope you have a great day. </em></p><p>There’s nothing after that, a far cry from the years before when Seungwan would type up a whole paragraph for Joohyun. But it’s the first time Seungwan’s directly addressed her in over five weeks, so she supposes it’s progress.</p><p>It doesn’t take long for the house to become suffocating, so she goes to the one place she can think of. By this point, she can probably get there in her sleep, every step ingrained in her memory from years and years of walking there. </p><p>Tonight, however, is the first time she’s going alone.</p><p>The hill was always a source of comfort for her. It was her safe space, somewhere she can go to forget about everything else going on in her life. When she’s here, it’s like she’s seven again, untainted by the stress of school or the future or being in love with her best friend.</p><p>Now, it just feels hauntingly empty. She blinks and a tear slides down her cheek. She didn’t even know she was crying.</p><p>She looks up at the night sky for the first time since Seungwan’s birthday and feels her tiredness ebb away, replaced by something else that she’s been trying to bury for a long time now: anger. </p><p>Anger at Seungwan for never noticing her for all this time. Anger at Chanyeol for nothing except some jealousy that Joohyun has no right to. Anger at herself for clinging onto some childish hope that Seungwan will someday feel the same. Anger at the whole world for feelings being so damn messy and the stars never aligning and life making her lose someone she never truly had.</p><p>Joohyun allows it to wash over herself, and something inside her breaks.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Do you believe in soulmates?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Like Red String of Fate and all that stuff?” Joohyun tilts her head, pondering the question. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Seungwan shrugs and fiddles with Joohyun’s fingers. “Kind of. Like the idea that someone out there is made to complete you?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I dunno. Isn’t it sad if you can’t be complete without someone else? That means you can’t be happy on your own.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I’ve never really thought about it like that.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I think...” Joohyun begins, trying to figure out how to phrase her thoughts in a coherent way. “I think soulmates do exist. They’re someone who knows every part of you and accepts it, someone who’s always there for you, and nothing can ever change their love for you.” She pauses here. “But I don’t think they necessarily complete you. They inspire you to grow and complete yourself.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Seungwan hums, a small smile growing on her face. “I think I like your version more.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Joohyun’s heart skips a beat in her chest at the sight. She looks up at the sky instead, tracing the many constellations she's memorized over the years with her eyes. “Yeah. Me too.” </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>For the first time since this started, she wants to march straight up to Seungwan and demand answers.</p><p>It’s not fair how Seungwan can sit there next to Chanyeol when Joohyun is just across the room and not even <em> look </em> at her. Nearly twelve years of friendship and it’s almost like it never existed in the first place because of a single drunken confession in the middle of the night. She wants to grab Seungwan by the shoulders and shake her until she tells her why she was doing this to her. </p><p>Is this some sort of punishment for having feelings that Joohyun didn’t even ask for? Or was it the universe laughing at her while dealing her an unlucky hand. </p><p>It’s not fair.</p><p>But whenever the anger surges through her body, it goes away just as quickly, and she’s left feeling even more tired than before, if that’s possible.</p><p>What could she even do? She could scream at Seungwan until she’s red in the face and it wouldn’t do anything. She could curse the universe every second of the day and nothing would change. </p><p>Seungwan didn’t feel the same way. Joohyun should know better than anyone that feelings can’t be controlled. All she wants is to talk to her again. Joohyun didn’t just lose someone she was in love with, she lost her best friend too.</p><p>And that hurt more.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Done!”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Joohyun glances over to see the other girl looking happily at her new bracelet. Seungwan turns to Joohyun and grabs her wrist, wrapping the bracelet around it and knotting the two ends together.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It’s the beginning of March, a portion of the small period of time where they shared the same age. Seungwan loves mentioning that whenever they’re together, and Joohyun just listens to her gloat with an exasperated smile. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Seungwan told her that they should do something to celebrate both of them being ten, which, in her words, was big because they finally hit double digits. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Joohyun listens to Seungwan’s soft humming beside her as she twists the two colored threads together like the instruction book said. After a few more knots, she observes the finished product in satisfaction. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Joohyun giggles at Seungwan’s proud smile and fastens her own bracelet around Seungwan’s wrist. “There.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Now we’re officially best friends!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “We weren’t best friends before?” Joohyun tilts her head, a teasing pout forming on her lips.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Seungwan laughs and practically tackles Joohyun to the ground in her haste to hug her. “We were always best friends! The bracelets just look pretty.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Joohyun wraps her arms around Seungwan to return the hug. “I won’t ever take it off,” she promises, already getting familiar with the feeling of the material rubbing against her skin. </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>Seungwan still has the bracelet on.</p><p>That’s the only thought running through Joohyun’s mind, and she takes a sip from the cup in her hand, trying not to stare at the familiar purple and blue bracelet adorning the other girl’s wrist. Well, trying not to be obvious in her staring, since she’s having a hard time taking her eyes off of Seungwan in general. Seungwan looks beautiful in her dress, and Joohyun can’t believe someone like her exists.</p><p>The music pounds in her ears, and for the tenth time that night, Joohyun wonders why she’s here. School dances were never her thing. It’s always been too loud and crowded for her tastes, and it’s not like she had a date to go with anyway.</p><p>Then again, it <em> is </em> her last prom. It should be somewhat special. But she’ll admit that she doesn’t feel too special standing in the corner of the gym and drinking the watered-down punch.</p><p>It’s that part of the night when the slow songs play over the speakers and the couples clog up the dance floor, all lost in their own little world.</p><p>Seungwan looks tiny next to Chanyeol, even with her heels. It’s cute, and Joohyun smiles to herself. She expects to feel the sharp pain in her chest, the flash of jealousy in her blood, but she feels nothing.</p><p>It’s been nearly three months. She doesn’t have the energy to be angry anymore.</p><p>Will things ever go back to normal, or at least some semblance of normal? Maybe Seungwan <em> was </em> just another person passing Joohyun’s life, another person who’d eventually fade into a distant memory.</p><p>Joohyun stares at Seungwan, who looks so heartbreakingly beautiful in Chanyeol’s arms, and wonders if she let Seungwan slip through her fingers.</p><p>
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</p><p>
  <em> “I once read that the center of the universe smells like raspberries.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “How would anyone know that? We can’t go to the center of the universe.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “It said something about electromagnetic radiation and molecules and chemicals. I didn’t read it that closely.” They sit quietly for a few more long moments, then Joohyun adds, “You smell like raspberries too.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> She feels Seungwan shift next to her. “So I smell like the center of the universe?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Joohyun begins to feel self-conscious for some reason. She shrugs. “I guess so.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “The center of your universe,” Seungwan says and turns her head to give Joohyun an exaggerated wink. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You’re so cheesy,” Joohyun mumbles, hoping it’s too dark for Seungwan to see how her cheeks have turned red. She becomes hyper-aware of how their shoulders are touching and how close their faces are. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You love it.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Joohyun glances at Seungwan and sees her blinding smile illuminated by the light of the moon, the same kind smile from all those years ago, when Seungwan moved across the street and Joohyun’s parents forced her to give the new family a welcoming gift. A warmth settles in her stomach. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> She wants nothing more than to freeze time and stay in this moment forever. She wants to stay trapped in this bubble, the outside world unable to get to them.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> She may not be able to stop time, but she’ll always have here to return to. </em>
</p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>She graduated today. </p><p>Most people are happy. College is another chapter, a fresh start, the beginning of a new life. God knows Joohyun really needs something like that.</p><p>Sitting here and staring at the stars, she doesn’t feel too happy. It feels like an ending, and not a good one at that.</p><p>She’s been coming here almost every night since her birthday, and it helps. Some days hurt more than others. Some days, she doesn’t even want to think of Seungwan. But most days, she learns how to deal. She likes to think that each night spent here alone fills a little more of the hole in her chest. </p><p>A twig snaps behind her, and she shrieks and twists around, blindly waving her flashlight in the intruder’s direction.</p><p>Seungwan stares back, just as surprised as Joohyun.</p><p>Once Joohyun registers who it is, millions of emotions flood throughout her, all swirling around her until she can’t feel anything. She blinks in Seungwan’s direction, unable to talk, to move, to do anything. It’s been so long since she’s even talked to Seungwan, let alone be this close. Her mind feels hazy and she briefly wonders if this is a dream, just another way for her mind to cope with the absence of Seungwan.</p><p>“Hi,” Seungwan finally says. When Joohyun doesn’t respond, she takes a tentative step forward. Then another and another, all the way until she’s only an arm’s length away from Joohyun. “Can I sit?”</p><p>Joohyun looks down at the grass. Seungwan sits anyway.</p><p>“Joohyun,” Seungwan says after a long silence. “Please look at me.”</p><p>“Like you’ve been doing these past three months?” Joohyun mutters, not even aware that she said it out loud until the air around them seems to drop by ten degrees.</p><p>“You have every right to be mad at me,” Seungwan says. “I—what I did was really shitty. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize. I shouldn’t have run off that night, and I shouldn’t have kept running like some fucking coward.”</p><p>Joohyun purses her lips at the swear (because Seungwan rarely swears) and finally meets Seungwan’s eyes. They’re glassy with tears, and it sends a stab of pain right to Joohyun’s heart. Ever since that fateful day on the playground when Seungwan broke her wrist, Joohyun hated seeing Seungwan cry because then she’d probably start crying too.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Seungwan whispers. “I know that I hurt you, and I know that nothing I can say will change the past. But...but I’m hoping that you’ll forgive me. I’m hoping I can make this right.”</p><p>Joohyun closes her eyes. “You acted like I didn’t exist, like you weren’t the most important person in my life for years. Like I was nothing to you.”</p><p>Seungwan flinches with every word. It doesn’t give Joohyun any joy to see that Seungwan was suffering as much as her. “I’m sorry,” she mumbles, her voice cracking. The tears are flowing now with no signs of stopping anytime soon. </p><p>Joohyun’s heart breaks to see Seungwan so distraught, and without thinking, she reaches out and gathers Seungwan in her arms, hugging her tightly. Seungwan cries and Joohyun starts to cry and it’s a hot mess of tears for what seems like hours.</p><p>Seungwan keeps her face buried in Joohyun’s shirt. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry—”</p><p>Joohyun just holds her tighter and breathes in the raspberries, the tiredness in her body finally lifting.</p><p> </p><hr/><p>
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</p><p>
  <em> “I’m fascinated by the deaths of stars and the havoc they wreak on their environments.”  </em>
</p><p><em>  - </em> <em> Neil deGrasse Tyson</em></p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. i dream while looking at you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>chapter title is from "Mikrokosmos" by BTS</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> Star matter blown away by supernova explosions form a new stellar nebula and the process of making stars begins again. </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“So, how’s Stanford so far?”</p><p>“It’s really nice.” Joohyun smiles at her computer and surveys her new dorm for the hundredth time, still waiting for it to settle in.</p><p>“Haven’t forgotten us yet?”</p><p>Joohyun pretends to think, tapping her chin with her index finger and raising an eyebrow. “Not yet, but I’m getting there. Ask me in a couple days.”</p><p>There’s a loud huff from the other end of the chat, but Seungwan can only keep a straight face for a good two seconds before breaking into laughter. Joohyun watches Seungwan’s eyes crinkle, a small smile of her own spreading across her face. Then when she realizes she’s staring, she adverts her eyes to her keyboard, her face burning.</p><p>“I should probably get going,” Joohyun says after taking a quick glance at the time. “I have my eight am class tomorrow.”</p><p>She’s already wincing just thinking of it. Why she thought taking a course that early in the morning was a good idea, she’ll never know.</p><p>“Right.” Seungwan chews on her lower lip, a nervous habit that she’s had for as long as Joohyun has known her. She wonders what Seungwan has to be nervous about. “Call me tomorrow?”</p><p>Joohyun laughs and says, “Already marked in my calendar.” The automatic <em> I love you </em> almost slips out of her mouth next, but she catches it just in time. She bites her tongue, the tiny jolt of pain grounding her. “Talk to you later, Seungwannie.”</p><p>Once the video chat ends, Joohyun breathes out a sigh of relief. It’s not like she dislikes talking to Seungwan, but there’s still some lingering awkwardness between them. She still can’t look at Seungwan for more than three seconds without feeling weird, and Seungwan sometimes flirts with her jokingly before freezing up once she realizes what she said. </p><p>The awkwardness is better than nothing. And to her credit, Seungwan has been trying to make up for avoiding Joohyun for three months. For example, bringing freshly-baked goods to Joohyun’s house every day for a week straight before Joohyun tells her to stop, or letting Joohyun repeatedly demolish her in Monopoly. Or promising to call as much as possible after Joohyun left for college.</p><p>It doesn’t magically fix everything and it’s definitely not perfect, but it’s a start. And sometimes, a start is all they need.</p><p>“Is that your girlfriend?”</p><p>Joohyun looks up in surprise. “What?”</p><p>“Your girlfriend.” Her roommate, Nayeon, shrugs, nonchalant as ever. “You call her every night. And you always seem pretty happy to see her.”</p><p>Joohyun blinks, not fully comprehending until a full three seconds later. “We’re just friends.” </p><p>“Oh.” Nayeon rubs the back of her neck, smiling a bit in embarrassment. “Sorry for assuming.”</p><p>“It’s okay.” The words feel weird and heavy on Joohyun’s tongue, and she has no idea why. It’s the truth, isn’t it?</p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>Later that night, lying on her back in the darkness of the dorm, Joohyun says, “The girl you asked me about? She’s not just a friend.”</p><p>She’s not sure why she admits it. Maybe it’s because it’s late, late enough for her common sense to disappear. Maybe it’s because Nayeon is someone who doesn’t know Seungwan, so it’s easier to talk about it. Or maybe it’s because Joohyun’s tired of keeping it inside for so long.</p><p>She hears Nayeon shift around on her bed. “Yeah?”</p><p>“I was in love with her.” The words feel wrong, and Joohyun is quick to correct it: “I’m <em> in </em> love with her.”</p><p>“And her?”</p><p>“She doesn’t love me.” Joohyun stares up at the blank ceiling. It doesn’t hurt to say it aloud as much as she thought. “And that’s okay, but it feels like she’s holding a part of me that I can’t get it back, even if I wanted to.” She pauses, taking in a shaky breath. “And I’m scared that I’ll always feel like that, like a part of me is missing without her.”</p><p>Joohyun is in a completely new place—literally across the country—and she can’t help but be constantly reminded of Seungwan, or rather, Seungwan’s absence now. It’s like everywhere she turns, she finds herself thinking <em> Seungwan would like this </em> or <em> Seungwan would want to see that. </em></p><p>She misses Seungwan like she did during those three months of distance, and she wishes she didn’t. She doesn’t want to be so reliant on Seungwan, didn’t want to feel this helpless when she’s not around her. </p><p>“Bullshit.”</p><p>Joohyun furrows her brows, wondering if she heard correctly. “What?”</p><p>“Bullshit,” Nayeon repeats, voice firm. “You shouldn’t feel like you need her to complete you. You’re your own person. And I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but it gets better.”</p><p>“You sound so sure.”</p><p>Nayeon laughs, a hint of bitterness detectable. “The girl I loved moved to Japan right after I confessed. Trust me on this.”</p><p>“You don’t miss her?” Joohyun asks, the entire idea unthinkable to her. </p><p>“I do,” Nayeon answers immediately. “I miss her so much. But I can’t spend the rest of my life feeling like I’m not complete without her, and you can’t either. You’re gonna grow and you’re gonna start being able to get along without feeling like something’s constantly missing, okay? Because you’re enough, Joohyun.”</p><p>
  <em> You’re enough. </em>
</p><p>She desperately hopes that it’s true.</p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun looks around the room, her eyes dragging over the multitude of unfamiliar faces. Nayeon dragged her to this party because—and she quotes—“<em> you shouldn’t be wasting a perfectly good Friday night again because you’re studying”, </em>but five minutes after they arrived, Nayeon got dragged away by her friends, leaving Joohyun here alone.</p><p>She huffs and makes her way towards the kitchen. She thinks she saw an outside deck that way while getting drinks from the coolers gathered there. She doesn’t have high hopes. Places like those during a party are usually occupied by the stoners or a handsy couple that should be looking for a bedroom instead.</p><p>To her surprise though, no one is there. Joohyun takes the win and sends a silent thanks to whoever’s watching over her tonight.</p><p>The crisp fall air is a welcome reprieve to the heat of the house, and she takes a deep breath, relishing in the night. It almost reminds her of being back at the hill if she blocks out the noise behind her. She looks up at the sky. It’s hard to see the stars here—only a few dot the sky instead of the millions she’s used to seeing at home. Still, it didn’t stop her from trying.</p><p>The familiar dull ache flares up when she spots a lonely star flickering weakly.</p><p>Joohyun looks down at her phone, her finger hovering over the 1 on the keypad like it has numerous times before. She considers dialing it. She probably shouldn’t.</p><p>“Hello?”</p><p>Joohyun nearly jumps out of her skin as she’s ripped away from her internal battle, and she turns towards the direction of the unexpected voice.</p><p>It’s a girl, a <em> pretty </em>girl, and she nods apologetically at Joohyun. “Sorry if I startled you.”</p><p>“It’s okay,” Joohyun mumbles once she finds her voice again. Her cheeks feel warm, and she’s not sure if it’s embarrassment or nerves now.</p><p>“Is there room for one more out here?” the girl asks. “It’s getting a bit crowded in there.”</p><p>Joohyun nods, unsure of what to say. She’s always been quiet around strangers, and she’s even worse around pretty strangers. Yerim calls her socially awkward sometimes, and Joohyun wants to strangle Yerim all the time.</p><p>“The moon’s pretty tonight,” the girl says after a while.</p><p>Joohyun has seen the moon plenty of times while stargazing, but she’s always been more drawn to the stars and the endless possibilities they seemed to hold. Now, she looks at the moon, <em> really </em>looks. It’s not the same as the other times she’s seen it. Back then, the moon shared the sky with the millions of stars that always stole Joohyun away.</p><p>Here, it hangs in the alone, barely any stars anywhere at all. The moon is the center of the portrait now, commanding everyone’s attention. </p><p>The girl is right. The moon is pretty, much prettier than she remembered. She wonders if it’s because of the absence of the stars, or because she never really bothered looking.</p><p>“Yeah,” Joohyun says. “It really is.”</p><p>The girl turns to face her, a tiny smile on her face. She sticks out her hand. “I’m Jennie.”</p><p>Joohyun takes it without a second thought, a smile of her own playing with her lips. “Joohyun.”</p><p>She shuts off her phone with her other hand and tucks it away in her pocket. </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>As soon as the video call goes through, Joohyun is immediately treated with a close-up of someone’s nostrils. She snorts. “Hi, Seulgi.”</p><p><em> “Get away from the camera, dummy,” </em> she hears Sooyoung say off-screen.</p><p>Seulgi backs up until she’s a respectable distance away from the camera, her entire face visible on the screen now. Sbe breaks out into a wide grin once she sees Joohyun, and she waves enthusiastically. “Hi!”</p><p><em> “Is that Joohyun?” </em>A few seconds later, Yerim plops onto Seulgi’s lap ungracefully and faces the camera. “Unnie!”</p><p>“Hi, Yerim,” Joohyun says with a laugh. “How have you guys been?”</p><p>“Yerim got a girlfriend!” Sooyoung crows, her head popping into the frame. </p><p>“Shut—” Yerim tries to wrestle Sooyoung into a headlock.</p><p>“A girlfriend?” Joohyun repeats in amusement. “Who?”</p><p>“Chae—” The rest is muffled as Yerim slaps her hand over Sooyoung’s mouth.</p><p>“They’re going on a date later tonight,” Seulgi pipes up, an innocent smile on her face.</p><p>Yerim looks at her in betrayal, still struggling to keep a hold of Sooyoung while being three full inches shorter than her. “Not you too.”</p><p>“Don’t forget to use protection,” Joohyun says.</p><p>Yerim groans and covers her face.</p><p>The four of them catch up, and Joohyun’s hit once again with how much she misses them. She’s video-chatted with them many times since she went away, but it never gets any easier. She can’t wait till winter break to go home again.</p><p>Three more months. She can get through three more months.</p><p>Eventually, Yerim has to get ready for her date and Seulgi has to get home to help make dinner, leaving Sooyoung and Joohyun alone. </p><p>“So…” Sooyoung smirks, and Joohyun instantly knows she’s up to no good. “Have you met any hot guys?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“...any hot girls?”</p><p>Joohyun sighs and fixes Sooyoung with a look. She’s never been good at lying.</p><p>“So that’s a yes,” Sooyoung says, her eyes glinting with mischief. Joohyun expects her to push more on the subject, but surprisingly, Sooyoung only says, “Oh, Seungwan just got here. She wanted to talk to you, by the way.”</p><p>The camera goes off-kilter, and Joohyun waits patiently while Sooyoung walks. It doesn’t take long until Sooyoung comes to a standstill and shoves the laptop into Seungwan’s hands before disappearing from the frame. </p><p>Joohyun blinks and gives Seungwan a tiny wave. The sight of the other girl brings a new wave of homesickness that washes over Joohyun. She forces it down and locks it away.</p><p>“Joohyun!” Seungwan seems surprised to see her. “Uh...hi.”</p><p>They both stare at each other, not really knowing what to say. Finally, Joohyun says, “Sooyoung said you wanted to talk to me?”</p><p>Seungwan frowns and looks somewhere off-camera, much to Joohyun’s confusion. After a few seconds, she refocuses on the screen. “Sooyoung’s making things up again.”</p><p>“So you don’t wanna talk to me?” </p><p>“No! I—wait...” Seungwan splutters. </p><p>Joohyun grins at the sight, unused to flustering Seungwan instead of <em> being </em> flustered by her. “Kidding.”</p><p>“Rude.” Seungwan pouts, making Joohyun laugh harder. </p><p>She’s suddenly reminded of another time, one where the roles were reversed and her laughs weren’t genuine. She likes it here better.</p><p>“You didn’t call last night,” Seungwan says softly once their laughter dies down. </p><p>“Nayeon dragged me to a party.”</p><p>“Did you have fun?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Joohyun nods, memories of a pretty girl and loud laughter quickly coming back to her. “Yeah, I did.”</p><p>She settles back against her headboard and readies herself for talking for the rest of the night.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Jennie’s been asking about you.”</p><p>Joohyun looks up from the takeout she and Nayeon snuck into their dorm, her eyebrows furrowing slightly. “You know her?”</p><p>“She’s one of my good friends.”</p><p>Joohyun hums, takes another bite.</p><p>“Should I give her your number?” Nayeon prods again.</p><p>Joohyun chews her noodles and mulls it over. She and Jennie hit it off well at the party. They clicked within minutes, and Joohyun feels strangely comfortable with her already—a rarity that only happened with one other person in her life.</p><p>“Sure,” Joohyun says finally. “That’d be great.”</p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>Jennie doesn’t waste any time on asking Joohyun on a date. </p><p>Being with Jennie is nice. It’s fun and simple, something Joohyun probably needs after everything with Seungwan. </p><p>She thinks back to what Nayeon said, about how Joohyun would eventually grow into her own person, and wonders if this is another step in that direction.</p><p>
  <em> You’re enough. </em>
</p><p>She’s the one who asks Jennie on the second date.</p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun’s in the middle of typing the finishing touches to her paper and trying not to fall asleep doing so when a notification pops up on her laptop screen. She rubs the sleep from her eyes before pressing accept. “Hey.”</p><p>“Hi.” </p><p>“What’s up?” Joohyun asks after a few seconds, biting back a yawn.</p><p>“Nothing really. You?”</p><p>“Just finishing up a paper.” She tilts her head questioningly. “Is everything okay?”</p><p>“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”</p><p>“It’s just...it’s really late over there.” </p><p>“I couldn’t sleep.” Seungwan shrugs and looks down, wringing her wrists together. “And we haven’t really been able to talk lately.”</p><p>Joohyun frowns. It’s true, they haven’t been talking nearly as much as when school first started. “Sorry.”</p><p>“It’s not your fault. We’ve both been busy.”</p><p>Joohyun nods, then suddenly remembers the time of year. “Homecoming is soon, right? Has Chanyeol asked you yet?”</p><p>Seungwan likes small but romantic gestures. She’d probably want something sweet, something that’d have some kind of special meaning of their relationship. It shouldn’t be too hard for Chanyeol to create a fun way to ask Seungwan to homecoming.</p><p>Then Joohyun realizes it’s probably weird that she’s asking about Chanyeol. She did confess her feelings for Seungwan <em> while </em> Seungwan was dating Chanyeol. That’s bound to create some awkwardness.</p><p>That didn’t really cross her mind until she catches the downward slant of Seungwan’s mouth. Joohyun curses inwardly. Luckily, the door to her dorm opens and Nayeon enters, thus saving Joohyun from having to say something else. “Go get ready. We’re going out tonight.”</p><p>“But it’s getting late.”</p><p>“It’s Saturday and it’s <em> nine.” </em>Nayeon smirks knowingly. “Jennie will be there.”</p><p>Joohyun stiffens and glances back at the laptop. Seungwan stares back, eyes wide.</p><p>She hasn’t really mentioned anything about Jennie yet. Again, there was that whole <em> ‘I confessed to being in love with you not too long ago’ </em>situation that makes things awkward, especially things like romance. She scrambles for something to say.</p><p>“I shouldn’t keep you,” Seungwan says finally, thankfully not pushing.</p><p>“You’re sure you don’t wanna talk?” Joohyun asks, still a little concerned. It’s past midnight for Seungwan, and she still has no idea why Seungwan called her.</p><p>“It’s getting late anyway. I should probably be going to bed now.”</p><p>Joohyun stares at her for a long moment. “I’m always here if you need to talk.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“Let’s talk tomorrow, okay?”</p><p>“Of course.” Seungwan shoots a small smile at the camera and waves. “Go have fun. I love you.”</p><p>“Love you too.”</p><p>It isn’t until the call shuts off that Joohyun realizes it. Seungwan said it first, and she was able to say it back. She said it back and there’s no weight coming to suffocate her.</p><p>It’s another step forward, and it feels good.</p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t wanna be the person that strings someone along in a sad effort to get over their ex!”</p><p>Joohyun blinks, wondering how the conversation about which pasta is superior suddenly veered into this. “What?” </p><p>“That’s not how I wanted to tell you.” Jennie groans and drags her hand down her face. “Joohyun, you’re really amazing and I don’t wanna accidentally hurt you, so I wanna tell you this now. I’m still...I’m still getting over someone.”</p><p>There’s a long pause. “Me too!” Joohyun blurts out, then blushes. “I mean, I’m getting over someone too.”</p><p>“You are?”</p><p>Joohyun isn’t sure if ‘<em>getting over’ </em>Seungwan is the correct term. It’s more like learning how to be on her own without needing Seungwan, but it’s close enough. “Something like that.”</p><p>Jennie nods slowly, takes another bite of her pasta. “So, keep things casual then? No expectations, no pressure to turn this into something more if one of us isn’t ready. Just two people having a fun time.”</p><p>“Sounds good.” Sounds <em> great, </em> in fact. Joohyun’s surprised at the amount of relief that floods throughout her. This past month, she thought being with Jennie was simple, but it turns out that she complicated it just a bit. She wasn’t even aware that she felt this pressured to make Jennie into <em> the one— </em>the one who’d help her get over Seungwan. </p><p>“Tell me about them.” At Joohyun’s confused expression, Jennie elaborates, “Tell me about your ex.”</p><p>The strange request takes Joohyun by surprise, and she tilts her head to the side, a teasing smile spreading across her face. “I don’t think that’s exactly a normal topic for the seventh date.”</p><p>Jennie laughs. “And I don’t think we’re exactly the pinnacle of a normal budding relationship.”</p><p>“That’s fair.”</p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>The first day she gets back, she’s bombarded by hugs by both her friends and family. It’s beautiful, and Joohyun cries like a baby. Yerim makes fun of her, even as she hides her tears in Joohyun’s shoulder. Seulgi clings to her like a koala, and Sooyoung can only feign indifference for a second before succumbing into a hug.</p><p>Seungwan smells like raspberries, and Joohyun’s never felt lighter.</p><p>Joohyun has changed. She’s a little more outgoing, a little more confident and self-assured, a little more <em> whole. </em> And it’s the little things that mean the biggest difference.</p><p>The weight on her chest, the tiredness, it all doesn’t come. She misses her of course, but it’s not nearly as overwhelming, nothing like those three months.</p><p>She remembers the days of just barely existing and the impossibly lonely nights spent sitting on this hill, grasping at a childhood that was long gone. She once likened the absence of Seungwan to losing a limb. She didn’t know how to go on with life regularly when Seungwan wasn’t a part of it, and every day during that three-month-long silence, Joohyun was a shell of her former self—only eating and sleeping and going to school, nothing more and nothing less.</p><p>It doesn’t feel like that anymore. It doesn’t feel like she’s missing something essential to her being, like she can’t be complete without Seungwan.</p><p>It feels freeing.</p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>It’s New Year's Eve, and Joohyun’s at a high school party.</p><p>The music is deafeningly loud, and she has a red solo cup filled with cheap beer in her hand. There are people milling around everywhere—some talking, some getting drunk, and some making out in the corners. Honestly, it’s not too different from the parties she’s gone to at college.</p><p>
  <em> Two minutes until midnight. </em>
</p><p>Someone taps her shoulder, and she turns to find Sooyoung. </p><p>“What?” Joohyun half-yells, trying to be heard over the music.</p><p>“Have you seen Seungwan?”</p><p>Joohyun shakes her head and surveys the room quickly. She hasn’t seen the other girl in quite a while. “Maybe with Chanyeol?”</p><p>Sooyoung squints down at her, an unreadable expression appearing on her face. She drags Joohyun towards a quieter, less-populated area. “She didn’t tell you?”</p><p>“Tell me what?”</p><p>“They broke up.”</p><p>Joohyun’s mouth falls open. “What? When?”</p><p>“Graduation Day.”</p><p>
  <em> One minute. </em>
</p><p>“Go find Sungjae,” Joohyun says, shoving Sooyoung in her boyfriend’s direction. “I know where Seungwan is.”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>She watches the way her breath crystallizes in the air before looking around, a sense of deja vu overwhelming her. Exactly a year ago, she was in the exact same position. It feels eerily similar and entirely different.</p><p>Midnight has passed already. There is no countdown, no fireworks, no soft congratulations that cut through the night or drunken confession that changes everything.</p><p>There’s just silence.</p><p>She sits down next to Seungwan.</p><p>“I’ve been coming here a lot,” Seungwan murmurs after a while, breaking the silence. “I’ve been feeling kinda aimless lately and coming here helps.”</p><p>“Because you broke up with Chanyeol?” Joohyun asks. </p><p>Seungwan doesn’t even question how she knows. “Well, that…among other things. I also missed you.” She pauses and rubs her neck. “And, uh, I got into UCLA,” </p><p>Joohyun blinks once, twice, and says, “What?”</p><p>“I applied for early action and got the letter a few weeks ago.” Seungwan exhales slowly. “I got accepted.”</p><p>“You didn’t tell me.”</p><p>“I felt like it’s something I should tell you in person.” Seungwan shrugs and toys with the grass around her. “And you were so busy with finals and all that…”</p><p>Well, Seungwan isn’t exactly <em> wrong</em>. Dropping this on her during finals would’ve shot Joohyun’s concentration to hell. UCLA was always Seungwan’s dream school, something she dreamed about as a child. </p><p>It’s also less than an hour away from Stanford.</p><p>Her heart skips a beat at the realization.</p><p>“That’s amazing,” Joohyun says, a swell of pride rushing through her. “I always knew you could do it.”</p><p>“You always believed in me.”</p><p>It lapses into a comfortable silence, the two of them enjoying each other’s presence and the quiet peace of the hidden world they created.</p><p>“Shooting star,” Joohyun mumbles after a while, tracking it with her eyes. It’s been a while since she’s seen one. “Let’s make a wish.”</p><p>She turns and sees Seungwan close her eyes, her breath evening out as she makes her wish. Joohyun does the same.</p><p>It’s not hard to figure out what to wish for.</p><p>When she opens her eyes, she finds Seungwan staring at her, her gaze impossibly soft. She nudges Joohyun. “What did you wish for?”</p><p>“It’s a secret,” Joohyun answers, her eyes sparkling. “You?”</p><p>Seungwan takes a deep breath, then, “Just to stay like this for a little longer.”</p><p>Joohyun nods, and without thinking, she reaches out and laces their fingers together. She feels Seungwan stiffen a bit, and Joohyun fights the urge to do the same. It’s been a long time since they’ve been close like this, both of them too hesitant to enact any type of skinship after last New Year’s. Seungwan’s hand is warm and soft, slotting into Joohyun’s hand just right. After a second, Seungwan loosens up and leans her head against Joohyun’s shoulder. </p><p>Joohyun looks up and re-familiarizes herself with the stars that she missed while at college. She takes time to soak in the sight, trying to make up for lost time.</p><p>Then, she looks up at the moon and wonders how she never really noticed it before. It’s completely full tonight, and just as beautiful as the first night she took time to truly look at the moon, all those months ago at that party with Jennie.</p><p>The two swirl together to create a beautiful collage in the darkness—the moon framed by the millions of stars. The sight is almost surreal, like something straight from her imagination. A wave of content settles over her. </p><p>Joohyun squeezes Seungwan’s hand.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> “For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars make me dream.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> - Vincent Van Gogh</em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This fic is dedicated to my friend Mia! Go follow her on twitter for high-quality stories (or minutely breakdowns over kpop and other things) @miabasher4lyf</p><p>Happy birthday Mia! You asked me for Wenrene angst and I tried my best. I'm sorry it took so long, but I hope you liked it! Thank you for always screaming with me about Wenrene and our other shared ships. Love you :)</p><p> </p><p>As for the author, find me on twitter @softchaeyuhours! Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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